As the world continues to be on fire politically and literally, a piece of news cut through the din for a lot of us in the geek community. While we all knew that the details of the accusations against Neil Gaiman were coming, I still think many who read the article in the Vulture were stunned by just how bad it was. I’ve seen so many posts of heartbroken fans sharing their dismay over Gaiman’s actions. People with tattoos inspired by his work, who were able to get through the most difficult times of their lives because of his books or words. Some have asked me how I’m holding up in the face of it and are surprised, given that I was a fan, that I am not particularly thrown by the situation.
Neil Gaiman is a monster. If you haven’t read the article, here it is without the paywall. Be warned, there are details of rape, coercion, child abuse, and more. Take care of yourself.
That said, I’ve known for a long time that the human monsters look like us. They look like people you know and love. They are often really good at not seeming like monsters at all. So when we discover a monster in our midst, its natural for us to be hurt and scared. Who can we trust? And I hate to be a cynical bitch, but the answer is no one. Not really.
My Best Friend Trevor
My stance on this is one I developed around 9 years ago. I had a best friend that I will call Trevor. Trevor and I went to elementary school together. We were both fat kids and weirdos and bonded in third grade the way kids trauma bond over surviving bullies do. We went through school together as best friends and neighbors. I have core memories of hanging out at Trevor’s house watching Tri-gun and bawling. Trevor was the first person I called when my boyfriends broke up with me and the first person I told that I was bisexual and had a crush on a girl. He was the person I explored BDSM with as a teen and the person I did my first spell with as a Pagan. There was a time in my life that I loved Trevor more than anyone – more than family, more than myself.
So as an adult, Trevor was one of the few people I kept in contact with when I got the hell out of my home town and away from the abusers in my family. We got along well enough as our lives changed drastically. However, a decade ago, we had a fight. He didn’t care for my partner and my partner didn’t care for him. I chose my partner and it was one of the hardest situations I’d ever been in.
A year later, I was moving and would be close to where Trevor lived. After discussing it with my partner, I reached out to Trevor to try and bury the hatchet. We’d been best friends and like siblings for years. Surely we could overcome this issue.
That was when the worst news I’d ever received dropped.
Dex: Hey. Long time no see. I’m gonna be in the area next month and wanted to know if you wanted to maybe meet up. You haven’t met the baby yet!
Trevor: Hey. I’d love to but you should know I got arrested for having kid porn on my computer three months ago
It sounds so blunt its unbelievable but that was how the convo went. To say I was shocked is an understatement. Needless to say, we did not meet up. I haven’t spoken to him since. I told him then and feel the same way now that I would have handled news of his death better than this.
After he told me and I blocked him, I reached out to the only other friend from high school I still was in contact with and told her. I’ll call her Elle. Elle was just as shocked as I was. While she wasn’t close with Trevor, they’d hung out and she and I could never have imagined he was capable of this.
Elle did some digging and learned not only did he get caught with CSAM on his computer but also was guilty of raping a minor and making CSAM. He escaped the full force of the law by cooperating and helping local law enforcement catch a few others in his online circles. It was all just too awful.
So What?
What does some pedophile I grew up with have to do with Neil Gaiman and the millions of horrified and mourning fans?
When fans are in shock that someone like Gaiman, someone so sweet and kind and creative, can be a monster, I get it. I’ve been there.
While they try and figure out how to move forward knowing that the man who had a huge hand in creating the inspiring books that helped them through trauma, developmental stages of their lives, and more – I understand how that feels. The person who I have my best childhood and teen memories with was a monster. I can’t look back on those happy moments without him being in them. Between that and the trauma inflicted on my abusers, its hard for me to think about the first fifteen to twenty years of my life at all.
The monsters look like us and like people we love. This is not a new concept. Ted Bundy had a wife. Jeffrey Dahmer was considered a pleasant, mild-mannered nerd. J.K. Rowling was a kindly woman who gave children hope. Neil Gaiman helped many struggling goths, weirdos, artists, and writers keep living and creating. Trevor kept me alive when I felt like killing myself as a teen. These facts do not make them any less monstrous. They are not absolved of their sins because the people they have hurt/continue to hurt cannot be magically healed by the monster’s good deeds.
Reconciling the good moments we have, the good memories, the strength we developed by the good work of monsters isn’t easy. Its something I still struggle with to this day. Does the fact Trevor was a monster make what good, healing, developmental moments I had with him not real or harmful? I’m not a therapist or psychologist. I can’t parse out all of this into clear sentences.
I don’t have the words for you to leave this blog feeling relieved and comforted. All I have is the knowledge that the monsters are among us. Their existence should push us to be better – leave the world better than we found it the best we can. Their existence shouldn’t stop us from creating but instead we should create more. Make beauty when the ugliness of the real world threatens our hearts.
